Michael McIntyre – A comedians take on holidays!
March 6th, 2010
It’s lovely to have a holiday.
People start thinking about them.
“Going to go anywhere nice?”
Kind of a stupid question.
“I’m going to lock myself in the loo(!) Of course I’m going somewhere nice!”
We like to go away for two weeks.
That’s standard.
Two weeks.
But we come back after two weeks and say, “The weather was good, the hotel was lovely.” “How long did you go for?”
“Two weeks.”
10 days is enough.
After 10 days, you just want to get back to your shit life.
It’s very difficult to book a holiday because everything is reviewed on the internet, which leads to huge problems when you’re making any purchase.
Toasters are reviewed on Amazon.
Who are these people?
You want to buy a toaster, you go online and start reading reviews.
Who in their right mind goes, “I better review the toaster”? “Settings 2-6 are an embarrassment. “What kind of a pop do you call that?
I couldn’t grab it! “I had to risk my life and do it with a knife.”
It’s a fun moment when you think, “I’ve heard rumours of death if you try this, but I’ll do it!”
There’s a website called tripadvisor.
If you’ve been near it, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
It reviews every single hotel in the world, which is good, I suppose, except it means every hotel in the world has received at least one terrible review!
And it’s only those ones you believe, which makes it very difficult to decide to go anywhere.
Who in their right mind is writing these reviews?
Who goes on holiday, comes home, unpacks and goes, “Right. Now for the review”? “I felt the towels were very coarse on my skin.
Not what you’d expect from a four-star establishment, “so I’ve given it three stars after much deliberation. “Two ice cubes in a Diet Coke? UNACCEPTABLE!” In capitals!
And you read these and take them seriously.
“I don’t know. The Diet Coke sounds really bad. The towels might scratch. Should we go to this place?”
And then you find one you like, it looks amazing, five-star reviews.
“Paradise!”
“Heaven!”
“Best ever!” “The most miraculous two weeks of our lives.
“We were picked up from the airport on a unicorn. It flew us to our destination which was so wonderfully beautiful. The fish would just come up and sacrifice themselves on the plate. The Kids Club was so good we left two of our children. It’s a better life for them.”
And you sit at home and think, “This is the one we should go to! Everybody loves this hotel!”
But you keep searching and you’ll find it – page 36, one star.
“The waiter slapped my wife’s face!”
Ha!
They’ve got slapping waiters!
We can’t go there!
You’ll be slapped all day!
Anyway, you finally make a decision.
We went on holiday, it was nice.
Trying to park at the airport is very stressful.
Not if you do it according to plan, but men like to think we’ve got things covered.
Like remembering where the car is parked.
You park in a zone and row.
The zone is alphabet and the row is numbers.
And we’re parked in C3.
And I thought, “I’ll never forget that.”
Because of C-3PO.
It’s Star Wars.
My wife said, “Are you going to write that down?”
“I will never forget C-3PO. I’ve got it in my mind!”
Two weeks later.
“Where did we park?”
“R2? No… D2! Is there an X wing? I can’t remember.”
So we lost the car.
But we went to the airport.
My wife hates flying.
It doesn’t help calling it the terminal!
Who wants to hear that?
Terminal 2?
Death Gate 4!
Then you go shopping.
They have huge TVs in Duty Free.
Who is buying these televisions?
People buy them and go, “Shit! I’ve got to take that to Corfu!”
So we had a holiday, it was really lovely.
We went half-board.
That’s for a cheaper holiday.
You sacrifice a meal in the day.
You start to convince yourself that you don’t need lunch.
Despite living most of your life with lunch in the middle of the day, you decide, “Let’s not have lunch. We’re never hungry when we’re hot.”
You start lying to yourself.
What it means is you spend two weeks stealing from breakfast to get you through the day.
You’re sitting at breakfast, you’ve travelled across the whole world, you’ve spent unbelievable sums and you’re going, “Is the waiter looking? No.Grab croissants! “OK, go!”
Every day my children go, “I’m hungry. What’s for lunch?”
“Hot yoghurt and pain au chocolat.”
On the last day, the waiter caught us, came over, slapped my wife in the face!
Couldn’t believe it!
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Brilliantly funny! And so very true.